Taps
by Damion Starr
Summary: I never told him how I felt, and now it's too late..." (Slash: Shepford, character death)


TAPS  
  
Author's Note: Inspired by a McShep deathfic. I have seen so much McShep  
fic lately that I decided that us Shepford Wives have to fight back. So  
here's my, wholly depressing, contribution. Told from John's POV.  
  
Dedicated to the men and women who have given their lives for love of  
their country, and Jake, my little soldier boy. I love you, baby. Come  
home safely.

Disclaimer: SGA still does not belong to me.  
  
"Day is done, gone the sun.  
  
From the lake, from the hills, from the sky.  
  
Safely rest, all is well.  
  
God is nigh."  
  
"TAPS" Unknown  
  
The light of the Event Horizon casts shadows over everyones'  
faces and reflects off the many trails of tears. I probably look about  
the same, if not worse. I haven't slept in a few days, my showers have  
been brief and half-hearted, and I've been wearing the same clothes over  
and over again. I know I should change, but I just...don't want to.  
  
Elizabeth stands before the Stargate, giving her eulogy, but I do  
not listen. Her face is wet, her eyes shimmer, and my heart goes out to  
her. It's one thing to be an officer and lose a man; it's another thing  
entirely if you're a civilian.  
  
Teyla and Rodney stand at my right, but they leave a gap between  
themselves and me. I understand, and I appreciate it. After all, Aiden  
was my right-hand man.  
  
Operative word, 'was'. Past tense. Who would've thought that a  
tiny little word that almost everybody uses almost every single day could  
be so...heartbreaking.  
  
"...and now, Major Sheppard, Lt. Ford's commanding officer and  
trusted friend, would like to say a few words,"  
  
Liz moves aside, and I take her place. I look out at the  
expedition team, but I do not see them. I see over them, to the sun  
setting behind the enormous window opposite the Gate. I'd rather look at  
that than their faces, which are full of pity. Pity for me.  
  
I automatically begin saying the same thing I've said at other  
memorial services, even though this one's different. Aiden's different -  
was different. There was something about him that...I don't know,  
fascinated me, I guess. I mean, at times, he was so young, then at other  
times he was so hard he scared even me. Corps training, I suppose. I  
think I preferred the younger side. The more innocent, fun side. The cute  
side...That's right, I said 'cute'. I admit it. I was physically  
attracted to him from the moment I met him. When he joked with me about  
what Gating felt like and then jumped backwards into the puddle, I knew  
that I wanted to spend more time with him. Well, I did. Liz gave me the  
greatest opportunity when she asked me who I wanted on my team. His was  
the first name to pop into my head. Then, mission time spent together  
grew into off time, and my attraction grew from teenage-hell-hormone-lust  
to, well, love.  
  
Goddammit, why didn't I tell him?  
  
I turn to the Gate. I have been holding his ever-present hat and  
dog tags the entire service. I stare at them for a moment, my thumb  
running over the raised words on the metal. "FORD, A.G., 391130506, AB  
NEG, USMC M, CHRISTIAN". There's only one. When no one was looking, I  
took one of his dog tags. It seemed fitting. That's what they did in  
WWII.  
  
I tenderly set the tag inside the hat and, holding the bill, put  
it into the Gate. The tip of my middle finger brushes the cold puddle,  
and the dark blue item is pulled out of my grip. My hand hovers there for  
a moment, then slowly lowers to my side. I am suddenly aware of someone  
playing "Taps", and I snap off a belated salute. I also become aware of  
the fact that I am crying. Luckily, my back is to everyone. I have to  
remain strong. For them.  
  
Aiden would want me to.  
  
I remain where I am as the team files silently out of the Gate  
room, then I kiss my fingertips and set them on the Event Horizon. "I  
love you, Aiden," I whisper.  
  
The wormhole disappears.


End file.
